Whether it’s Covid response, systemic racism, or worship music, there’s no shortage of topics for God’s people to disagree on these days. Sometimes, iron sharpens iron and growth takes place (even if no one’s mind is changed). But far too often, disagreement divides and leaves a bitter taste in everyone’s mouth.
So, how are Christians to navigate disagreements in a God-honoring way? How can we navigate tough issues and not tarnish the name of Jesus? Avoiding these pitfalls is a good start:
- Fools attack the wrong people.
The first step in handling disagreement well is to recognize that the person across the table (or inside the screen) is not your enemy. I don’t care what their political views are; as Martin Lloyd-Jones once stated when confronting T.T. Shields (a pastor who became known for ridicule of non-conservatives): “You can make mincemeat of the liberals and still be in trouble in your own soul.” I don’t care if they have different theological views than you. I don’t even care if they’re saved; Paul spends 1 Timothy 2:22-26 telling us:
Flee from youthful passions, and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. But reject foolish and ignorant disputes, because you know that they breed quarrels. The Lord’s servant must not quarrel, but must be gentle to everyone, able to teach, and patient, instructing his opponents with gentleness. Perhaps God will grant them repentance leading them to the knowledge of the truth. Then they may come to their senses and escape the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.
2 Timothy 2:22-26 (CSB)
Who is our enemy? Satan. And he loves convincing us that everyone who disagrees with us must be the problem.
2. Fools only want to be right.
How can you tell if you’ve fallen into this trap?
- You don’t care about understanding the other person (Proverbs 27:18, 15:28, 18:13).
Even if you think you know what a person believes and why they believe it, there’s immense value in listening to understand their perspective instead of listening merely to respond to what you’ve already determined their views to be. Don’t find value only in saying what you want to say.
- You don’t care about truth. (Proverbs 16:28, 25:18)
Slander is the act of attempting to undercut someone’s reputation with false claims. While few who claim Jesus would say it’s cool to slander your neighbor intentionally, we’re still guilty of this sin when we spread claims we haven’t verified; when we want to shame someone so badly that we’ll believe the first negative report we read. If you’re ready to call someone “false teacher”, “heretic”, “woke”, or “wolf”, you’d better be right.
- You’ll hurt anyone you have to. (Proverbs 18:21, 12:18)
Whether it’s a sinful politician or a crude pastor, I’ve watched countless Christians defend poor speech by speaking some form of this line: “You can’t pay attention to words! You just have to look at their actions!”
While that sounds nice, it’s incredibly unbiblical. Scripture repeats over and over that words (whether spoken, written, or tweeted) are powerful, and that destructive speech cannot be waved away flippantly. Here are just a few examples:
“A good person produces good out of the good stored up in his heart. An evil person produces evil out of the evil stored up in his heart, for his mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart.”
Luke 6:45 (CSB)
“And the tongue is a fire. The tongue, a world of unrighteousness, is placed among our members. It stains the whole body, sets the course of life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. Every kind of animal, bird, reptile, and fish is tamed and has been tamed by humankind, but no one can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in God’s likeness. Blessing and cursing come out of the same mouth. My brothers and sisters, these things should not be this way.”
James 3:6-10 (CSB)
We cannot claim to be followers of Jesus and be reckless with our words. Speech matters, because it reveals where our heart is. As Paul David Tripp puts it:
“Have you ever said to someone, ‘Oh, I didn’t mean to say that’? It would be more biblical to say, ‘Please, forgive me for saying what I meant,’ because if it hadn’t first been in your heart, it wouldn’t have come out of your mouth.”
Paul David Tripp, The Power of Words and the Wonder of God
While we’re on the topic of words: While the truth of the Gospel will sting someone who isn’t willing to admit to a sinful life and repent, there’s a world of difference between the Gospel being offensive and you being offensive. We’re called to give people truth; we’re not called to be jerks for Jesus. We don’t need to measure success by how many people are offended by our words.
3. Fools fight for far too long.
One of my former pastors brought these verses to my attention during a sermon once, and I’ll admit I was confused:
Don’t answer a fool according to his foolishness
Proverbs 26:4-5 (CSB)
or you’ll be like him yourself.
Answer a fool according to his foolishness
or he’ll become wise in his own eyes.
Uh, what? Is this a contradiction? Did Solomon hit “submit” too soon? No.
There’s a time and place for rebuke, but if we’re resorting to the tactics that fools use, it’s time to walk away. Moreover, there’s little point discussing things with someone who refuses to acknowledge anything you’re saying; once you know their mind is made up, there’s little to do but bid farewell (or log off).
We’re also told in Ephesians to not let the sun go down on anger. Few disagreements are worth staying angry at for days on end. Squash anger, or it will squash you.
I’ll conclude with this exchange between T.T. Shields and Martin Lloyd-Jones:
“Well, what about this: you remember Paul in Galatians 2? He had to withstand Peter to the face. He did not want to do it. Peter was an older apostle, a leader and so on. Paul did it very reluctantly, but he had to do it for the sake of the truth. I am in exactly that position. What do you say to that?”- T.T. Shields
“I would say this, that the effect of what Paul did was to win Peter round to his position and make him call him ‘our beloved brother Paul.’ Can you say the same about the people whom you attack?”- Martin Lloyd-Jones
May we be more concerned with winning people to/growing people in Jesus Christ than we are in making mincemeat of those with whom we disagree.
City on a Hill(ing) 